How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
