does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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