my phone needs a breathalizer
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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