We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Randomize
