I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
