Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize