When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
