He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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