She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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