I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
True strength comes from lack of pants
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
