I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
