hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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