my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
