So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
