Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
