two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
