I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
