She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
