Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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