not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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