I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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