Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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