I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
