just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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