That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
