hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
