i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
