Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
