if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Panties = found
Randomize
