i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
