I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
