Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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