i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
