Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
