Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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