Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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