I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
