You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
