if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
