i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
