You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
