when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize