Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
