I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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