New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
