UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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