imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
