did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
