This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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