guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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