Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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