Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
