it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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