she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
