I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
