I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
