would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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