Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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