Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
