what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i think im in europe. pls send help
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
