Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
