Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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