How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
