She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
