i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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