Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
